Did you know that at 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning it is really easy to see the stars in the sky?
I guess I didn’t realize this until today because most Saturdays I am still SLEEPING at this time-instead of outside on a walk. But one perk to being 9 months pregnant is that “good sleep” comes and goes as “restlessness” stops by for frequent visits.
So this morning at 5:30 AM… I stepped outside for a walk.
As I looked up, amazed at the sparks of lightning flashing in the distance, the spotted clouds filling the vast sky, and the glimmers of stars (the occasional speck of a distant planet and space satellite too)… I couldn’t help but feel tiny. I looked to my right and to my left only to notice that the houses were tiny too. This made me laugh because I just stepped out of my house. When I was inside I enjoyed my controlled environment of air conditioning and solid shelter but after stepping outside the walls I realized what a facade that shelter and controlled comfort was.
In the midst of the distant sparks- the lightning that now seems like a friend walking with me- open sky, and fresh air… I realize that I am breathing more deeply out here than I was in my environment inside.
Does that sound crazy?
Well, I thought it did. So I began to pray.
Maybe it is all in light of the fact that my body has gone into labor 3 times already but then after hours of contractions stopped. Maybe it is in light of all the major life changes we have gone through as a family over the past few years. How can someone go through the loss of a child, a job, a broken down car, diverted plans, delayed hope, sudden sickness, or immediate injury and still feel at all in control?
As I walked I felt God remind me of how little control I have.
As I walked I felt God comfort me with how much control He has.
I was reminded of Proverbs 25:2 (msg)
God delights in concealing things; scientists delight in discovering things.
Other translations use the verbiage of “kings” and such. I may not be a king or a scientist, but who among us does not get caught up in the grandeur of what we can create?
On my walk, when I finally realized how silly I must look walking with my head only looking up, I looked down.
I looked down at my hands. Boy, they are small.
When in my home they work so hard to create, maintain, and help keep the comfort of my home environment controlled and comfortable- taking care of kids, work, finances..etc. Outside they seem so small.
It is delightful discovering how to create and seeing news about what other (much smarter and talented) people in this world discover and/or replicate from nature. But I realize that there is still so much concealed. So much unknown. Or how much of what we “know” is truthfully still unknown? My 5 year old “knows” that Kirby is a Pokemon… he is not btw… how much am I like my 5 year old in what I “know”?
You see God sets up the scene in the very beginning. We are all Adam and Eves- just like our favorite bedtime story characters in Genesis. How often we neglect our walks with God in the garden to pursue our passion for knowledge from a single tree? We step away from a relationship with God in an attempt to be like Him?
Our hands may be small but His are enormous. When we walk with Him it is amazing the comfort, knowledge, and peace that comes.
When I loosen up my control to the realization and authorization to God’s control, it makes me a better mom, wife, employee, friend, and follower of Christ. In light of “giving up” I find my tight fisted hands become open again. And an open hand to God can do so much more than a tightly held fist of opinion, experience, hurt, or control.
Before I stepped into my doorway, my final thoughts may sound crazy… so I hesitate to share but I can’t help but feel there may be one or two of you reading still who may be encouraged by it.
God made me smile.
You see, any day now I will give birth to a son. He may not have a name yet to Adrian and I but he has been formed by God- with no thanks to my cupcake eating and prenatal yoga attempts. This little man is already Known and has a plan. I pray he is healthy and lives a life on fire for God but I know that he will get sick and hurt. By God’s grace, I will get to spend years and decades with him. Okay… those were not the crazy thoughts… God reminded me that I am a mom to 5 beautiful children. While I cannot wait to hold this little boy in my arms I am brought to tears by the joy and peace God has so graciously given me that there is another child- lost in this life- that He has and in Heaven I will get to hug and hold her (or him). God is so good. wow.
I may never experience happiness in this life from popularity, financial gain, or anything else like that but I would not trade the joy God gives when walking with Him.
With control loosened, my hand is open. With hand open, I am able to take ahold of His. With my hand tightly planted in His, I am walking.
I write this only to say, my hope and prayer is that you discover the same.